Serenity
by G.A. AnimeFan4
Summary: She belongs nowhere. She does not belong in the beauty of StarClan. She does not belong in the horrors of the Dark Forest. She simply cannot return and haunt the lake. So...where does she belong?


**~Serenity~**

_Spoilers for "The Last Hope". I don't own Warriors. Don't forget to review!_

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Firestar let her go. How could he not?

The rest of StarClan agreed. Though reluctantly, they agreed, and she thanked them deeply.

Honeyfern cried. Bluestar wasn't happy about the idea, her eyes narrowed to slits. Yellowfang didn't care, simply flicking her tail and turning away. Spottedleaf claimed it was for the for best with a sincere nod. Ashfur wasn't present.

Her black fur is groomed well, and her eyes are sparkling with a certain determination. She bows her head in both farewell and respect. She spins on her pads and walks slowly into the shadows of the ferns and gradually disappears from view.

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The forest is nearly silent. A bird chirps somewhere in the distance. A mouse peeks his head out from beneath an oak leaf, wiggling it's tiny nose. It gives a squeak and buries towards safety, as if it can sense her presence. Even the crickets quiet themselves to a smooth, low tone until they feel it is secure. She chuckles.

Her paw-steps make no noise, nor does her suppressed breathing or nervous heartbeat. Only she herself can hear it when her claws catch on a weed and scuffle the earth. And her ears prick and her fur bristles when hissing in irritation. Has she really gotten lost?

At first, she thinks she has. The area seems unfamiliar. Leaf-fall changes everything, with all of the dead undergrowth covering scents and landmarks. Even the most coordinated of cats can find themselves lost in places during this time of year. But it lasts for a few moons, so one must learn to navigate. And she, even rusty, has skills in that area.

Her black pelt blends perfectly with the night, even if she _is_ invisible. She slinks from tree to rock to stream, careful not to disturb the peacefulness.

The smell of former Clanmates hits her tongue as she tastes the air, and longing twinges at her chest. She smiles sadly, pauses, then continues onward. The thorn barrier hasn't changed, except for maybe some strengthening added. She takes a big breath and shoulders through.

The thorns don't sting.

Inside, the camp is serene. Everyone is tucked away, with muffled snores echoing about. Memories fill her mind. Some poor, some happy.

She first climbs the ledge and enters the Leader's den. Bramblestar and Squirrelflight are snuggled together in a heap of fuzz, tails over faces, lovingly. The black she-cat dips her head in thanks.

Next is the warriors' den. She touches her nose to Cinderheart's. After all, this was her best friend. And she'd most likely never see her again. She wants to savor these short moments. That's why she's traveled back to ThunderClan.

She skirts around the nests, searching for one in particular. Once it's right in front of her, she stops. A sorrowfulness, thick and choking, clogs her throat. Below her gaze, Leafpool lays. Her sleeping expression is calm, yet thoughtful. Mourning, even. But the visitor swallows down her resentment and runs her rough tongue along her mother's ears. She realizes she never told Leafpool just how much she loved her.

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She does not go out of her way to see her father.

And she does not have time to voice her so-longs to each and every Clanmate.

So she chooses two more, out of every living cat by the lake, to say good-bye to.

She died not long ago. The war was just moons before, so the Clans still carry it's scars. Guilt pricks her skin and a tear threatens to escape her left eye. But she bites it back painfully.

Lionblaze must have sought a little comfort after all of the loss. And Jayfeather would never admit it, but he looked like he was more comfortable with his brother there. She giggles at the two, both completely out, curled up in the same bed of moss. The golden tom sneezes in his sleep, though not awaking the other or Briarlight in the corner of the Medicine den. The gray male shifts, squeezing his eyes together tighter.

Their sister sighs wistfully, remembering the times when she would press her own tiny kit form against them, feeling safe and at home. But those days are over.

Long over.

She leans down and rubs her cheek against Lionblaze, on his head, right in between his large ears. She does the same with Jayfeather, who twitches, but doesn't open his sightless blue eyes. Then the presence backs away, the twinge in her chest growing more and more unbearable as the moments pass. But this is for the best. She knows it, StarClan knows it, and so would these two if they were informed.

Finally, after a few words of advice to them, she reluctantly turns away.

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_"Lionblaze, don't get cocky in battle. And tell Cinderheart how you feel already. Don't try anything too risky, and aim to make Leafpool and Crowfeather proud. You may not care...but...it's the least we could do for them after all of this."_

_"Jayfeather, hold your tongue in the right situations. That used to get you in a lot of trouble, didn't it? Keep being strong. Forgive Leafpool if you haven't already, which I'm positive you have. Train, save lives, and live the best life you can."_

_"I love you both. I love our parents, too, though it took a while to accept the consequences. You won't meet me when you join StarClan on your own terms. But trust me, I'll still be with you."_

_"Thank you."_

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She is a warrior.

And warriors have to make sacrifices.

She's made many mistakes in her life. She'd broken the code just by being alive. She's committed murder. And she's lied and hidden from the ones who care for her. If her brothers still hate her, she completely understands. Deep down, she knows they don't. But the guilt is still there, poisoning her dreams. Her death may have been honorable, but it just isn't enough to cleanse that feeling.

She doesn't deserve the heavenly realm of StarClan. It's just...too good for her. After everything she's done, how can she be fully accepted within their cradled paws?

Then again, she doesn't serve the hell that is the Dark Forest. Her mistakes are overshadowed by her good deeds to purify herself. So...where does she belong...?

She knows the answer now.

Warriors have to make sacrifices.

And she is sacrificing everything. And she has to. It's the right way to go. For once, she _will_ make the right decision.

Her list is completed. She has thanked StarClan for their generosity in offering her a place among Silverpelt. She's toured her old territory, her home, one last time. She's said what she felt she had to to her kin. From here on, it's all over. She knows it.

And she smiles.

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Loneliness is something deadlier than blackcough.

And _he_ has experience far too much of it.

That runs through her mind as her strides grow longer. Her tail streams out behind in a dark, ghostly fashion. Her gasps are sharp, and her emerald eyes are slit against the wind.

Loneliness.

That is all that she can think about.

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The darkness is cold.

It's funny. "Dark" is not a thing that one should _feel_. But she does. It's cold. It crowds against her pelt, suffocating her. She is used to this feeling though.

It takes her three sunrises, although she can longer see the sun or moon. All this time, she searches.

A warrior must make sacrifices, right? And she's given everything up.

Except for him.

His eyes are just so...bright! That green gaze of his glows, shinging through the cold darkness in utter joy. His ginger-and-white fur fluffs up and he circles her in amazement.

"Hollyleaf," he greets after a long while.

She beams at him. "Fallen Leaves."

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A warrior must make sacrifices.

And she's given everything up for _him_.

She belongs nowhere. She does not belong in the beauty of StarClan. She does not belong in the horrors of the Dark Forest. She simply cannot return and haunt the lake. So...where does she belong?

She knows the answer now.

She belongs here, in the tunnels.

The tunnels are neither heaven nor hell, neither comforting nor uncomfortable. They're a desolate place, where no cat enters anymore. Water drips occasionally. The river can overflow, but it's simple to just retreat closer to the forbidden surface. She has entered, and she cannot exit. This is her home now. But that's alright. It's something she can actually accept.

Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Leafpool, Crowfeather, Cinderheart...all of those names...and of them gone...

She refuses to believe that she will never see them again. "Never" is a long time. Somewhere in her heart, she can imagine them all reuniting at long last, in which Jayfeather is not blind and Lionblaze can look down and watch his kits live on. But that is a long way off. Right now, she is here, surrounded by the cold darkness...that somehow is growing less and less cold. Maybe it's because she is no longer wandering alone.

Fallen Leaves almost never retreats from her side, and she's grateful. He told her once that he loved her. She replied with the same confession.

That guilt is subsiding slowly. It will take time, just like everything else will. But time isn't forever, so she can wait.

A warrior must make sacrifices.

Fallen Leaves kicks slightly in his sleep next to her, and she stifles a _mrrow_ of amusement. She lowers her head and closes her eyes, weary from the day in the dark's warmth.

And from sacrifices, bloom something more. Love? Hate? Guilt? For every warrior it's different. She doesn't know for sure which of them it is for herself.

But needless to say, she has plenty of time to think about it.

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_~Finish~_


End file.
